And Are You Finding That Hard to Do?
Why is it so hard to break an unwanted habit, or to establish one that we would like? Many people find that they can't lose weight or stop procrastinating; others find it impossible to begin exercising regularly or to organize their work. Almost everyone can think of changes that they would like to make but seem unable to.
What Are Givens?
We also have habits that we don't realize are problems because they have become second nature. We experience them as givens. Although we don't recognize them in ourselves, others can see them in us. Perfectionism, passivity, rigidity, dependence, and selflessness are just a few traits are experienced as givens. All of these habits, those that we are aware of and those that are experienced as givens, contribute to a continuing level of tension that causes distress.
What's Going On in Our Minds?
When we experience a stimulus, such as hunger, we are distressed. We can end the distress by eating, if food is immediately available. Eating is a true solution because it ends the discomfort. If no meal is immediately available, we must cook, order take-out, or go to a grocery store or restaurant. These are partial solutions because the prospect of having a meal soon partially relieves our distress.
Eating, cooking, and other solutions are habits that we have developed in response to hunger. And because our mental processes have identified them as solutions, they have become locked in. So have all the other habits we've developed; they are all locked in. A person who responds to certain stresses by procrastinating will keep doing so no matter how strongly she vows to change. Someone who deals with anxiety by double-checking everything finds himself powerless to stop. Those habits have been locked in.
A habit can be broken only if a pause between the stimulus and response occurs, allowing a new response to be chosen (this happens out of awareness). A pause can be created by a complex stimulus: that is, a stimulus that conveys two contradictory meanings. For a microsecond, the stimulus is you can/you can't. If you set the table for dinner but forget to include a fork, then when you sit down to eat, the stimulus is: you can eat (the table is set)/you can't eat (there is no fork). That microsecond of pause is enough for a different solution to be chosen, if one is available. After a new solution has been locked in, it doesn't immediately come into awareness; that takes time.
An Example
A child who was repeatedly criticized for asserting himself responded by developing excessive modesty: a partial solution. This eased his discomfort because he was no longer criticized but it was harmful because he couldn't be assertive. He didn't realize that his modesty was harmful; he assumed that it was a positive trait. It had become a given.
When he became a scientist, working in a competitive milieu, colleagues often stole his new ideas. He was unable to assert himself and claim the credit he deserved. He moved to another position where, because of his new environment, he encountered many complex stimuli. Each time he reached for his phone, he was startled, because it was in a new position, rather than its usual spot. For a split second, he was starting to phone/not starting to phone. Other objects were in new positions, too, and each time he began to do something the old way, he was similarly taken aback. Although trivial, each of these disruptions created a complex stimulus to which he had a double and contradictory reaction: for an instant, he could/he could not.
Because these pauses were associated with his excess modesty (his demeanor at work), they provided opportunities for that habitual response to be unlocked. A new solution could be inserted; the knowledge that he was entitled to be assertive. Once it had been locked in, that knowledge would have to be repeated many times before it could come into his awareness and be acted on.
How Partial Solutions Handicap Us
Any habit that isn't a true solution will cause ongoing discomfort. Whether it's one we are aware of, such as overeating, or one that may be accepted as a given, such as excess modesty, it will compromise our ability to see problems clearly and act effectively to solve them. It will hamper our productivity, impair our creativity, and contribute to our stress level.
Is There Any Hope for Us?
We no longer have to depend on chance to provide the conditions for changing a habit. It is now possible to make a desired change by creating and using a new mental pathway in the mind for that purpose, and practicing self-hypnosis regularly to enable that pathway to do the work that is needed to end a problematic habit. It will work systematically and efficiently, out of awareness, to find a new solution, insert it into the stimulus-response sequence during moments when complex stimuli occur, and gradually bring the new solution into awareness.
The first step is to learn how to do self-hypnosis, which you can do by using the Emotional Comfort® Tool.
GET THE EMOTIONAL COMFORT® Tool
