And Do You Care?
The need to be part of a group is very strong because it's an outgrowth of the dependence of a young child on his or her parents. It is so strong, in fact, that it can lead a person to say or do harmful things in order to ensure being included.
This is Ubiquitous in Childhood
A teenage girl was part of a clique that looked down on the girls who weren’t as attractive or assured as they were. She knew this was wrong yet she did it anyway. And an awkward girl who wished she were part of the clique was also conflicted, because she, too, knew that what they were doing was unkind. If she had been invited to join them, she didn't know whether would she have succumbed to that need for belonging, or whether she would have declined on principle.
Both girls were tormented by their ambivalent feelings. (And neither girl knew that her ambivalence could be resolved by recognizing the source and rationale of each mental pathway: the wish to belong, and the good feeling that would be produced by the kindness of inclusion.)
And So, Too, in Adulthood
In adulthood, exclusion can have graver consequences than hurt feelings and struggles with ambivalence. The wish to be included can lead to groupthink, which, by discouraging or even ostracizing outsiders, can lead to the loss of new ideas and new solutions to problems.
When the need to be "in" means excluding those who are unlike us, as with different races, genders, or nationalities, we gain the comfort of sameness but deprive ourselves of meeting and befriending people who may be more interesting because of their differences. And by welcoming them to be "in,", we would avoid one source of social strife.
What about people who are loners? If they have become so because they are mentally ill, they may be unable to accept an invitation to be "in." But if they have become increasingly estranged from society as a result of having been treated as "out" while growing up, they might welcome a chance to belong to a group.
Dealing with Being "In" or "Out"
We may be "in" in some situations and "out" in others. When we are "in," it would behoove us to resist becoming insular and exclusive. And when we are "out," we can ask ourselves whether we care, and if so, why. If it is important to belong to a group you are not part of, and if you have an Inner Guide, you can ask it for help. The course, Achieving Emotional Comfort®, that shows you how to create your own Inner Guide is now available. It can be found at: go.emotionalcomfort.com/getcourse
