Ambivalence Obvious and Obscure
What’s going on when we’re ambivalent about something? We’re experiencing multiple different mental pathways alternately, sometimes in very quick succession. This is obvious when offered the opportunity to eat a piece of cake. We might first think: “I shouldn’t eat this; it has too many calories” but then think “I’ll eat it anyway.” If we end up eating it, we may feel guilty; and if we refrain from eating it, we will feel deprived.
A less obvious example: You learn that an acquaintance who can sometimes be arrogant and disrespectful has been passed over for a promotion. Your feelings of being sorry for him may alternate with feelings of schadenfreude (pleasure at someone else’s misfortune). The lack of resolution is uncomfortable.
But sometimes we can feel ambivalent about something without being aware that it’s an instance of ambivalence because it feels like a given. For those who procrastinate, one response is to think “It would be better to it now,” which alternates with “Oh, I can do it later.” You are probably aware that you are procrastinating but often you aren’t aware of the ambivalence. The “Do it now” pathway may be very faint and won’t become prominent until a deadline is imminent.
How Can We End the Discomfort that Ambivalence Causes?
We can try to identify each pathway and its rationale; that will help us choose a comfortable response. If you decide it’s OK to indulge this time and eat the cake, you’ll enjoy it. If you decide it’s better not to eat it, you’ll enjoy the pleasure that exercising your self-control gives you.
What about the acquaintance who is passed over for a promotion? Realize that he is struggling with a sense of inferiority, which he defends against by feeling superior. Your feeling of sympathy for him stems from your pathway of kindness and your feeling of schadenfreude comes from a pathway that was hurt by his arrogance. Once you understand this, you’ll feel good that you are a kind person and your schadenfreude will fade. You will no longer feel ambivalent and you will have restored your comfort.
Obscure Ambivalence Requires Help
What about procrastination? This one is harder because you may not recognize it as an instance of ambivalence. You may be failing to complete a project because it involves a creative response that has not yet surfaced. If so, it’s best to wait for that response. But if you’re delaying because it’s onerous, you will need help to overcome this. And help to know which of these alternatives is operating here. Using my complimentary Tool, in Step 3, wish for a new mental pathway dedicated to understanding the sources of your ambivalences and helping you resolve them.
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